he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
