My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
