My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
