a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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