Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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