i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
