can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
