He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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