Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
A bitchslap is in order.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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