i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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