Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
