Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize