While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
