Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
