Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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