Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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