Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
