i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
