bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
