i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize