Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
