God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
