How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
