I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
