Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
