You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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