If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
