If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
