So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
