no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
