I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
