is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
