Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
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