Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
