idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
