you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
