I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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