he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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