i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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