thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
