They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize