I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
