Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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