You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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