NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
