Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
