You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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