The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
