im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
