Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize