If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
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