Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
