I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
