I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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