I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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