I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
A bitchslap is in order.
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