I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
