i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
